Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
