When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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