worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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