have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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