wakey wakey hands off snakey
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
