Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
