so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
