tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
