At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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