In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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