he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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