Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
