So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
did you just send me my own nude
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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