Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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