My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
