my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing