i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door