is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED