I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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