you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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