just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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