One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
