I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are all done wearing pants today
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