Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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