This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
