Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
last night I used snow as a chaser
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