she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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