so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
