i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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