And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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