I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
