I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
