Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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