Nicole vs. Life
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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