Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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