I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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