turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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