Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
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