Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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