When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
