i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
where are my eyebrows?
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