I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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