I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
