Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
