If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
