Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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