I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
