I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
