I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
