I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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