I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
