I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
