Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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