omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
