highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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