I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
