I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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