i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
