She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
