Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
